everyone say their favourite jokes.
only one at a time.
we need to ration our jokes.


what did the officer say to his troops before they went into their tanks?















*SCREAMS*

GET IN YOUR TANKS!

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Hello.

Normally in threads like this, I post one dead baby joke then get told off by the admin.

How do you get a baby into a jar?

Using a blender.

And, as a bonus (as the two go together), how do you get a baby back out of a jar?

Doritos.

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You're wrapped up in a uniform, just a cigarette away

Me: "Give me a letter between A and F."
Hannah: "H. No, wait."

knock knock
whos there
scott
scott who
scott nothing to do with you

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Hello.

Just seen a sign outside B&Q: "Stainless Steel Sinks".

Bit obvious, I thought.

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You're wrapped up in a uniform, just a cigarette away

Me: "Give me a letter between A and F."
Hannah: "H. No, wait."

David Cameron.

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One more failed suicide attempt and I don't think you're trying anywhere near hard enough

Dyslexic man walks into a bra….

i was doing the crossword the other day and theres one i got really stuck with. the clue is... someone who works for the post office...'how many letters?'

about a million.

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Hello.

I've just got a slap for a joke made at work...

We were talking about disabled kids, and I jokingly said "if I ever get a dog, I'm going to name it Syndrome."
"Why?"
"Well, when it jumps up at me, I can say 'down, syndrome'!"

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You're wrapped up in a uniform, just a cigarette away

Me: "Give me a letter between A and F."
Hannah: "H. No, wait."

lol!

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www.myspace.com/pink_phone

BRS Live = 8 times and counting

Stevie Wonder walks into a bar...

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One more failed suicide attempt and I don't think you're trying anywhere near hard enough

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f***k is that on the balcony with Dave?"

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You're wrapped up in a uniform, just a cigarette away

Me: "Give me a letter between A and F."
Hannah: "H. No, wait."

james, you brighten my day

i told that to everyone i no. such a great joke.

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Hello.

Great one,
gotta look for some d***-jokes.

A fellow goes into a library and shouts. 'PINT OF LAGER PLEASE'

The librarian says..'Sir, this is a library'.

Oh, sorry, said the bloke..... and whispers....'pint of lager please'.

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You're wrapped up in a uniform, just a cigarette away

Me: "Give me a letter between A and F."
Hannah: "H. No, wait."

Jimbo wrote:

Normally in threads like this, I post one dead baby joke then get told off by the admin. How do you get a baby into a jar? Using a blender. And, as a bonus (as the two go together), how do you get a baby back out of a jar? Doritos.

I think I just woke my dad up laughing to that one. My favourite dead baby joke has got to be this:

What's funnier than a dead baby?



A dead baby in a clown suit.

What is the most stupid animal in the jungle?

A polar bear.

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You're wrapped up in a uniform, just a cigarette away

Me: "Give me a letter between A and F."
Hannah: "H. No, wait."

Jimbo wrote:

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f***k is that on the balcony with Dave?"

That just made my life lol.



A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my guide dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

I think dead baby jokes should have a thread of their own.

Until then.

Whats red and crawling up your leg?

An abortion with homesickness.

Sorry.

I truly am.

x

good to see some dark humour on here

Apparently Mark Speight has been found in Paddington.

I didn't realise he was into beastiality!

too soon?

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You're such an Inbetweener