Ask Auntie Petra

[alittlelost]

Cause I don't know what else to do right now and James is too lame to go through with this already.

[soulmate]

What a betrayal, I would NEVER expect that from you, Dana.

Well, shoot at me. I'll try to be, ahem, helpful. Ahahahaha. Bahahahaahaha! HAHAHAHAHA.

[alittlelost]

Sorrehhh. You know I'm just in this for the greater good (by which I don't mean you helping people but mainly people coming up with funny problems and you coming up with even funnier responses, heh).

[Jimbo]

Dear Auntie Petra,

I recently moved to a new school. Everyone there is real friendly to me, possibly because I'm new but mostly because I'm a poorly written Mary Sue type character. The only one who's not nice is the cutest boy in school who keeps spazzing whenever I'm near.

I recently found out, after persisting with him, that he's a vampire. Luckily he's not one of the dangerous ones, instead he's one of those gay sparkly ones. I still want him though, despite knowing that if we do get together the sex will be skipped over to the next chapter, and my social standing will sky-rocket by being his girlfriend.

My question is, what's the best way for me to kill him? Stake, fire or beheading? My friend Buffy has given me some tips, but I'm not sure.

Yours,

B.S.

(three guesses what Paramore song *I'm* listening to right now!)

[soulmate]

Dear B.S.

You're an idiot and you should kill yourself... and let him watch.

[Dave13]

Dear auntie Petra

Is it wrong to fly to another country to see an awesome band play, and is it likely to scare them?

[soulmate]

*cou-stalker-gh*

It's totally fine. Bands like their fans. Bands like to have fun with their fans.

[Jimbo]

Bands like to have fun with their fans.

Bands like to shower fans with their appreciation?

(Yeah, shower was a better choice of words than "spray")

[soulmate]

Bands like to have fun with their fans.

Bands like to shower fans with their appreciation?

(Yeah, shower was a better choice of words than "spray")

Are you trying to point something out?

[Lauraa.]

James trying to be subtle.
Funniest thing ever.

[soulmate]

James trying to be subtle.
Funniest thing ever.

I know, right?

[James Ether]

Dear Auntie Petra,

My friends are constantly getting the horn, is there any advice you can give them in managing their testosterone levels?

[soulmate]

Dear Auntie Petra,

My friends are constantly getting the horn, is there any advice you can give them in managing their testosterone levels?

"Go to the kitchen. Grab a knife. Grab your testicles. Let's play a surgeon game!"

[Jimbo]

Dear P.Aunty,

An ex girlfriend of mine from the past has recently gotten back in touch and suggested a boozy lunch together when she visits my town in the next week or two. We didn't part amicably and haven't spoken for four years. The parting left me somewhat distressed (that sound you can hear is Laura laughing at the understatement). I'm going to meet up with her, mostly because in the four years since I've actually gained some self confidence and don't see her as the only chance I'll get to have a woman so I'll be immune to her charms.

I'm thinking dress casually smart, flirt because I only have two levels of conversation - flirting and mute - and make her realise I'm awesome, but not making any further plans because it'll make things difficult with Rose.

Can you advise?

(To ex/Subways boardies - yes, her. Matt, if you come back to Kent to gatecrash this I will duct tape your left forearm to the rudder of the Pride of Canterbury and leave you to sail back and forth between Dover and Calais - this is important to me to get some closure.)

[funkymp]

^

if it's the one beginning with 'b'

[Jimbo]

I might make that a feature - give advice using only song titles

[soulmate]

I'm thinking dress casually smart, flirt because I only have two levels of conversation - flirting and mute - and make her realise I'm awesome, but not making any further plans because it'll make things difficult with Rose.

What can I say more. Want a song title? Then:
ToD - Totally Natural

[dudey]

(To ex/Subways boardies - yes, her. Matt, if you come back to Kent to gatecrash this I will duct tape your left forearm to the rudder of the Pride of Canterbury and leave you to sail back and forth between Dover and Calais - this is important to me to get some closure.)

Until this bit, it didn't even occur to me. But now the temptation is there....

Nah, your plan sounds good, it would be silly not to see an old friend when paths cross. Unless it's less of a coincidence, although that seems unlikely after so long. And say hello to the tiny nazi for me

[dudey]

Dear Auntie Petra,

Every day now for a good 3 weeks I have been unable to let a day go by without listening through 'Brand New Eyes', the new album by the popular music group 'Paramore'. The couple of times I've mentioned how bloody awesome i think it is to friends i get laughed at. Am I deluded by the beauty of their lead singer, and the well written lyrics that can occasionally be found to apply to my own life? Or am I just sub-consciously a 13 year old girl?

What do I do?!

Yours Pleadingly,

lonestartrooper, 21, somewhere south

P.S. I was going to say about how my self-esteem was so low I basically want to kill myself right now, but it didn't seem relevant...

[soulmate]

Dear lonestartrooper,

everyone is sub-consciously a 13-year-old girl, most of them don't even know/realize that. The luckier ones (mostly referred to as "us" by me) realize that and simply let it be as it is. As a lucky one myself, I know exactly how you feel and would love to tell you it's normal. Well, in my view.. it is normal. Let your friends laugh at you and laugh at them for listening to Coldplay / Robbie Williams / The View / Take That / whoever. Friends stay friends no matter what music they like.

ad P.S. Welcome to my world.